If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
did you just send me my own nude
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
