Me. At least after what I've been through.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
