He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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