Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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