Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Randomize
