I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
