My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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