when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
