I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
