You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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