i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
