party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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