I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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