I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
