It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
