I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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