Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
