all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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