i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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