Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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