My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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