You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
