Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
