If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
