I wish my penis had an off switch
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
