i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
