Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
