I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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