I faked an abortion last night.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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