Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
