so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
