Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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