No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Damn victory sex feels great
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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