I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
