so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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