I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Can you bring me the toilet please
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
