Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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