She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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