i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
