I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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