see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
