How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
