Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
