I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
