I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
