My sheets look like a crime scene.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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