I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
