my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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