Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
