Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
