Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
