I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
