just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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